The Brutalist Report

The Onion

• Carlos Alcaraz Withdraws From French Open Over Career-Threatening Haircut [24d]
• Casey Means Sucked Back Into Magical Neti Pot [24d]
• Polite Cult Member Assumes Reason Penises Cut Off Will Eventually Come Up In Conversation [24d]
• Conservationists Give Gorillas Bank Accounts [24d]
• The Met Gala By The Numbers [24d]
• McCormick Introduces New Transdermal Gravy Patch [24d]
• Phish Ask Fans To Stop Hacky-Sacking Sphere [24d]
• Table Tennis Champion Too Weak To Hoist Trophy Over Head [24d]
• Racehorse Receives Carrot Every Time He Wins $2 Million For Owner [24d]